I'm on break right now and can't stop thinking about whether I killed anyone or not. It's not possible yet because I'm 'only' a medical student. I think perhaps the thing that's gotten me thinking about this is me reading a book by the title of "House of God". If I had to sum up the book in one phrase, it would be that it is the 'the cynical side of medicine we don't want to hear about, yet the cynical side of medicine that we need'. Yes, the phrase is reminiscent of the ending of "The Dark Knight".
In any case, being half way though the third year of medical school, I'm beginning to panic. Very very soon, I'm going to be very responsible for the lives and well-being of live human beings. Thus far, it's been easy mode. No matter what stupid mistake I made or tried to make, there were interns, residents, chiefs, fellows, and attendings to make sure that the level of my idiocy never shined through to the level of healthcare delivery. Soon, that will change. Gradually, I will be more and more responsible and liable for the patient. What's worse is that the fear comes in two: A fear of hurting someone and the fear of personal failure. But are those two the same things where my classmates and I are headed? Yes, and no. Depends on what matters more to each one of us. I really hope I care more about the patient.
As I start to dig in again thinking about what is to come ahead in January, I'm excited and wary.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Done surgeRising at 4am everyday
Okay. Just finished my surgery rotation. Man that sucked. I'm sure it's much better as an attending than it is as a resident or a student. Students have to get to the hospital to round on the patients before the senior, who has to get to the hospital before the attending to round on the patients to present to the attending. Overall, the experience is one that I will never forget and one that I will never regret. I saw some of the craziest things; liver transplants, for example.
About half-way into the rotation, I felt myself getting bitter about waking up at 4 or 5am in the morning even on the weekends and having to come into the hospital. Then I remembered something again. Something that I realized earlier this year. I COULD complain about going into the hospital. But...BUT...before I complain, I need to remember that there are other people who want to be in the hospital even less than me, earlier than me, and longer than me. Sometimes, that's the resident. Rarely, it's the attending. Every single time, it's the patients.
No matter what field of medicine I go into, I need to remember something. People come first. Medicine is not a job. It's a commitment. Getting paid is not the number 1 goal. Helping people get better is the primary goal. Everything else is just frosting and sprinkles.
Still torn between surgery and emergency medicine. Why can't I do both?
About half-way into the rotation, I felt myself getting bitter about waking up at 4 or 5am in the morning even on the weekends and having to come into the hospital. Then I remembered something again. Something that I realized earlier this year. I COULD complain about going into the hospital. But...BUT...before I complain, I need to remember that there are other people who want to be in the hospital even less than me, earlier than me, and longer than me. Sometimes, that's the resident. Rarely, it's the attending. Every single time, it's the patients.
No matter what field of medicine I go into, I need to remember something. People come first. Medicine is not a job. It's a commitment. Getting paid is not the number 1 goal. Helping people get better is the primary goal. Everything else is just frosting and sprinkles.
Still torn between surgery and emergency medicine. Why can't I do both?
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