I'm on break right now and can't stop thinking about whether I killed anyone or not. It's not possible yet because I'm 'only' a medical student. I think perhaps the thing that's gotten me thinking about this is me reading a book by the title of "House of God". If I had to sum up the book in one phrase, it would be that it is the 'the cynical side of medicine we don't want to hear about, yet the cynical side of medicine that we need'. Yes, the phrase is reminiscent of the ending of "The Dark Knight".
In any case, being half way though the third year of medical school, I'm beginning to panic. Very very soon, I'm going to be very responsible for the lives and well-being of live human beings. Thus far, it's been easy mode. No matter what stupid mistake I made or tried to make, there were interns, residents, chiefs, fellows, and attendings to make sure that the level of my idiocy never shined through to the level of healthcare delivery. Soon, that will change. Gradually, I will be more and more responsible and liable for the patient. What's worse is that the fear comes in two: A fear of hurting someone and the fear of personal failure. But are those two the same things where my classmates and I are headed? Yes, and no. Depends on what matters more to each one of us. I really hope I care more about the patient.
As I start to dig in again thinking about what is to come ahead in January, I'm excited and wary.
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